Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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