Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
