just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
