I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
