Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
bring money and cleavage
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
