i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
