Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
