I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
