he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
