and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
