i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
it's like iHOP with fire
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
