rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
