She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
