I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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