just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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