Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
