I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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