My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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