He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
