You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
