I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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