That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
