I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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