the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
