you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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