Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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