mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
