i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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