if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
