Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
