some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i drank out of a bidet.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
