No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
