youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
