haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
