dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
