it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
