So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
