She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
