8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
