Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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