i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
