that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
