It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
