so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It was confusing and full of hummus
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
