The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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