I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
And then he peed in my hair
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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