No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
