He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
