I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
