Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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