I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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